I was just talking with someone tonight who was urging me to take Krav Maga so that next time I could defend myself. Honestly, in a group of 6-7 teenage males, I’m basically never going to start hitting people -- I didn’t want to hurt her feelings though so I let her tell me all about it.
I guess people want to feel like they’re doing something.
Even as I read this, particularly when I read the parts about your daydreaming, I want to scoop you up and skip you ahead, past the assault. It’s impossible, of course -- so much of what you’ve become clearly got formed around that assault. Isn’t that such a strange thing? That some of the worst things that happen to us can spur our growth?
One of the first things I said to my friend Johnny after the assault was that I had assumed that, given my age & gender, I was unlikely to experience getting punched in the face at this point. And then it turned I was wrong. So now I know exactly what it feels like to get punched in the face.
You’re right that it gets etched deep in there, the reaction, the moments. Still, I like that you got angry Tom, i like that I started shouting, I like most of all that each of us made it through, are making it through.
You were kind. I trained Krav for a few years! It's great. I highly recommend it for exercise, confidence, making friends, and recovering from trauma. But you can't fight multiple attackers in reality unless you're an expert. I've held off two or three in a controlled environment by using one as a shield or shoving one into another. But the training for a gang was to blast through them and run run run. And no offense but that might work for young athletes, in the short term... Getting chased by a gang? Not good.
When you told what happened, I was surprised that you were attacked. It was not expected. But you've seen cues of that behavior now. You'll recognize it and be aware. And I'm sure as hell going to watch for it if I see groups of kids being aggressive.
It's terrible and undeserved, but you're right, sometimes there are good things. We stand up for ourselves and stop ignoring bullies. Th
Thomas (or Tommy, or Tom, or, given the context of this post, TP? What do you prefer, my friend?), this is excellent and honest and vulnerable.
I was verbally bullied as a daydreamy young fat kid, though only by kids much older than me, and never physically because my oldest sister wasn't to be trifled with. Since then, while I've been in the orbit of altercations and have broken up my share, I've never been struck, nor had to strike anyone else. I've taken my share of bloody beatings but those have been on soccer fields and basketball courts.
The thing about fight training is it is also fun! My current regular workouts consist almost entirely of a little running and, particularly, working the heavy bag. It is physically challenging and exhilarating. Just because one gets good at punching doesn't mean you have to punch people.
*You* can call me any of the three, Chris. Yeah, I wish I'd had an older sib or friend. Two of the bullies on my block growing up are police officers, big surprise there. One is so dumb that he wore a gold chain with a police badge pendant while undercover, and the other one had eyes at 12 years old that told me he'd do whatever he could get away with. He threw a 2x4 at my head while I was riding my bike once. Nice guy.
The thing I like about fight training is that it can be good-natured. The people who are trying to hurt you and not learn get winnowed out by good teachers. They usually don't have the discipline to compete long-term, and stop showing up when they get schooled.
I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you Thomas. We can’t control other people (bullies,jerks) nor choose what we remember. You have tremendous courage to be able to confront your memory of this horrible event and write about it. There is some interesting information on healing from trauma in “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk. BUT it can trigger trauma for some (like me) to read it in it’s entirety. I had to skip some passages but found it helpful.
Just butting in here to say thanks for the book recommendation -- like T. Pluck this one was kind of on my radar but it’s good to get a reminder, it sounds perfect for me right now.
I hope that the title served as a trigger warning. I'll try to be more mindful in the future. Thank you for the recommendation, that book is on my radar, as are studies of the genetic effects of generational trauma. People who endure trauma (I don't call myself a "survivor," of this, or of any abuse I've endured in my life, but don't judge others who choose to) tend to diminish the effects, because we survived, others did not, and others suffered worse; it's a coping mechanism. I think physical abuse gets elevated, when emotional trauma is often the most damaging and lasting, and they are often combined. I've been physically hurt worse than that night, with my eager consent, in a boxing ring! I don't remember the pain at all. I remember the fear, the belittlement. That jerk spitting at me, that probably stings the most. But I'm thankful for the empathy that the experience gave me.
I never had to deal with anything like this (luck, likely wealthier background, luck), and I would have been terrified in your place and gotten PTSD.
Your natural benchmarks for what's traumatic are what you've gone through, so you have nothing worse to compare it to. So I wouldn't feel bad about feeling bad, if that makes sense.
If it makes you feel better the increased physical fitness, however cheesy you may feel about your style doing it (hey man, it was the eighties), probably helped you with the ladies. Silver lining?
The '80s-era fitness blitz helped for sure, but after college I joined the dot-com boom and became a Cheeto-encrusted gamer, did so well in fact, that I sold my EverQuest account and paid for half of my sister's wedding. I joined a fight gym with a high school friend and eventually was his corner man for his first fight in Japan. There was no attack that made me want to train, it was just fun and camaraderie, I was in my thirties. And I took great pleasure in defeating wrestlers half my age, at least for a while!
This is so kind of you, Tom.
I was just talking with someone tonight who was urging me to take Krav Maga so that next time I could defend myself. Honestly, in a group of 6-7 teenage males, I’m basically never going to start hitting people -- I didn’t want to hurt her feelings though so I let her tell me all about it.
I guess people want to feel like they’re doing something.
Even as I read this, particularly when I read the parts about your daydreaming, I want to scoop you up and skip you ahead, past the assault. It’s impossible, of course -- so much of what you’ve become clearly got formed around that assault. Isn’t that such a strange thing? That some of the worst things that happen to us can spur our growth?
One of the first things I said to my friend Johnny after the assault was that I had assumed that, given my age & gender, I was unlikely to experience getting punched in the face at this point. And then it turned I was wrong. So now I know exactly what it feels like to get punched in the face.
You’re right that it gets etched deep in there, the reaction, the moments. Still, I like that you got angry Tom, i like that I started shouting, I like most of all that each of us made it through, are making it through.
You were kind. I trained Krav for a few years! It's great. I highly recommend it for exercise, confidence, making friends, and recovering from trauma. But you can't fight multiple attackers in reality unless you're an expert. I've held off two or three in a controlled environment by using one as a shield or shoving one into another. But the training for a gang was to blast through them and run run run. And no offense but that might work for young athletes, in the short term... Getting chased by a gang? Not good.
When you told what happened, I was surprised that you were attacked. It was not expected. But you've seen cues of that behavior now. You'll recognize it and be aware. And I'm sure as hell going to watch for it if I see groups of kids being aggressive.
It's terrible and undeserved, but you're right, sometimes there are good things. We stand up for ourselves and stop ignoring bullies. Th
(add. It cut me off) Let us never lose our sense of wonder and compassion. The bullies don't get to have that.
It’s true. That’s all ours.
Thomas (or Tommy, or Tom, or, given the context of this post, TP? What do you prefer, my friend?), this is excellent and honest and vulnerable.
I was verbally bullied as a daydreamy young fat kid, though only by kids much older than me, and never physically because my oldest sister wasn't to be trifled with. Since then, while I've been in the orbit of altercations and have broken up my share, I've never been struck, nor had to strike anyone else. I've taken my share of bloody beatings but those have been on soccer fields and basketball courts.
The thing about fight training is it is also fun! My current regular workouts consist almost entirely of a little running and, particularly, working the heavy bag. It is physically challenging and exhilarating. Just because one gets good at punching doesn't mean you have to punch people.
*You* can call me any of the three, Chris. Yeah, I wish I'd had an older sib or friend. Two of the bullies on my block growing up are police officers, big surprise there. One is so dumb that he wore a gold chain with a police badge pendant while undercover, and the other one had eyes at 12 years old that told me he'd do whatever he could get away with. He threw a 2x4 at my head while I was riding my bike once. Nice guy.
The thing I like about fight training is that it can be good-natured. The people who are trying to hurt you and not learn get winnowed out by good teachers. They usually don't have the discipline to compete long-term, and stop showing up when they get schooled.
I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you Thomas. We can’t control other people (bullies,jerks) nor choose what we remember. You have tremendous courage to be able to confront your memory of this horrible event and write about it. There is some interesting information on healing from trauma in “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk. BUT it can trigger trauma for some (like me) to read it in it’s entirety. I had to skip some passages but found it helpful.
Just butting in here to say thanks for the book recommendation -- like T. Pluck this one was kind of on my radar but it’s good to get a reminder, it sounds perfect for me right now.
I hope that the title served as a trigger warning. I'll try to be more mindful in the future. Thank you for the recommendation, that book is on my radar, as are studies of the genetic effects of generational trauma. People who endure trauma (I don't call myself a "survivor," of this, or of any abuse I've endured in my life, but don't judge others who choose to) tend to diminish the effects, because we survived, others did not, and others suffered worse; it's a coping mechanism. I think physical abuse gets elevated, when emotional trauma is often the most damaging and lasting, and they are often combined. I've been physically hurt worse than that night, with my eager consent, in a boxing ring! I don't remember the pain at all. I remember the fear, the belittlement. That jerk spitting at me, that probably stings the most. But I'm thankful for the empathy that the experience gave me.
I never had to deal with anything like this (luck, likely wealthier background, luck), and I would have been terrified in your place and gotten PTSD.
Your natural benchmarks for what's traumatic are what you've gone through, so you have nothing worse to compare it to. So I wouldn't feel bad about feeling bad, if that makes sense.
If it makes you feel better the increased physical fitness, however cheesy you may feel about your style doing it (hey man, it was the eighties), probably helped you with the ladies. Silver lining?
Again, sorry you had to deal with that.
The '80s-era fitness blitz helped for sure, but after college I joined the dot-com boom and became a Cheeto-encrusted gamer, did so well in fact, that I sold my EverQuest account and paid for half of my sister's wedding. I joined a fight gym with a high school friend and eventually was his corner man for his first fight in Japan. There was no attack that made me want to train, it was just fun and camaraderie, I was in my thirties. And I took great pleasure in defeating wrestlers half my age, at least for a while!
I'll never forget that night. Those scumbags we're dirt under your feet. You're a successful married man. Wonder what they are.💕💕💕
I don't care. Hopefully they became better people.