The International Phallological Museum
Caution: plethora of puerile alliteration ahead
You don't know dick until you've been to Reykjavik.
The capital of Iceland is home to many things: public hot springs to soak in at lunch hour; the ruins of bunkers from World War II; a bevy of great restaurants that will serve you everything from lamb hotdogs to minke whale steak; and the world’s only museum dedicated to the dong.
Notice I did not say the human phallus; the International Phallological Museum does not discriminate, and even claims to have cryptological cocks among the whale wangs and possum peckers. In fact, my companion was sad that humans were underrepresented…
I like visiting strange museums. When Sarah mentioned visiting Iceland, she gushed about waterfalls and hikes and arctic foxes to lure me in, but I already had the Phallological Museum and the Museum of Sorcery and Witchcraft on my list, so I was all in. (I’ll write about the Witchcraft museum soon; it’s a 3 hour drive from Reykjavik but worth the trip.) I can be picky about museums; I haven’t been to The House on the Rock yet, because it’s more of an attraction. I will get there, but when there’s a Barnum aspect to anything, I get dyspeptic. The Edward Gorey House is lovely; the Mütter Museum is a must-see in Philadelphia, and I’ll be writing about it soon.
Perhaps my love of museums began with my hometown’s cute and quirky little one, the Nutley Museum, which every schoolchild gets to visit on a field trip. There we see a coin that Annie Oakley shot, guns she owned, and a gavel used by the town’s first judge, plus various ephemera. I can still picture those coins.
This is a long way from Annie Oakley mementoes! The museum is downstairs on a major city block downtown, in a well-lit facility festooned with phalli. It even has a bar that serves lingam-inspired libations:
You enter and exit through the gift shop, and they have a passel of penisy purchases you can make. In fact, my Founding Members (hee hee) will receive postcards from this museum in the month of July! Click the button below and you can be a pepper, too:
(If I run out of penis postcards, you’ll get something similarly titillating.)
But enough of Pluckster being a huckster, let’s get back to the bellends. They lure you in with excerpts from folklore and before you get to the meat, as it were. But once inside, it’s an educational wonderland with one specific subject. Nothing tawdry or obscene, it is just big enough to sustain amusement for all of its length.
They have quite a salami selection, including one of my favorite animals, the narwhal:
They have a section dedicated to Icelandic folklore and specimens that claim to be from them, there is art on the walls, and objects (and even food) made from schlongs. For example, spiced horse penises and bull pizzle riding crops:
The first image above is an oosik, or walrus penis bone; I saw them in Alaska at a tourist outpost, where they can sell the fossilized kind. I picked up an ulu1 with an oosik handle. On other animals, this penis bone is known as a baculum; raccoon bacula are used as luck charms in the American South. Do not rub a raccoon rod for luck! They may bite.
If eyeing all these ding-a-lings makes you thirsty, grab a beer and ponder the putz. It’s a rather ridiculous evolutionary method to deliver a packet of genetic material, isn’t it? Couldn’t we simply post a letter? (No, it would get all soggy.)
“Conventional intercourse is like squirting jam into a doughnut.”—Germaine Greer
When thinking of sexual reproduction from a genetic standpoint, some think that penis-bearing mammals are rather dim to require ecstasy to lure us into propagating the species, but when done properly, a good time is had by all. And who’s to say you’re expecting progeny? It all worked out well in the end, I think. Sex organs have many other purposes than procreation (just ask any porpoise. They are a randy bunch, or pod.) And thank goodness for that.
I’ll leave you with a trio of tadgers, including the one-eyed trouser snake of an orca:
Thank you for tolerating my puerile pecker tracks here. Be thankful that I didn’t post this on June 21st, also known as National Nude Hiking Day!
More museums will follow. Next on my want list? The Vagina Museum, which reopens in London later this year!
Incidentally to the sperm whale photo that begins this post, I am reading the excellent book on culture in animal populations, Becoming Wild by Carl Safina. The first section is on sperm whale families and clans, all female, and their different dialects and behavior. Fascinating book!
A crescent-blade knife like a pastry cutter, invented by Inuit, Iñupiat, Yupik, and Aleut people.
"This is a long way from Annie Oakley mementoes!"
🔫🔫🔫🔫
Is it, though? 🤔
Thought I could not be more impressed by whales but I was wrong. 😳 Thanks for all the fab puns!